A short conversation with a new friend inspired this blog post. It's a good thing too, as I was toying with forgetting about this silly blog idea. Does the world need an another blog in already-bursting-at-the-seams-internet-land? No. But apparently I do!
To my baby,
Yesterday I put you on the swing at the park for the first time. I was amazed at how well you held yourself, and I let go for a bit as you swung back and forward. These moments make me realize how fast things change. You are 6 months old and growing rapidly. I don’t want to forget anything about how you are right now. So I’m writing it down.
I want to remember your soft bald head underneath my chin as we grin at each other in the mirror. I want to remember your excited legs kicking frantically in the bath. Your new found mobility as you arch your neck and roll over on the floor. The look of concentration when you make new sounds “pa pa pa pa”. How your face lights up when you look at your brother, and his face when he makes you laugh. That squeaky little laugh. Your look of “is this ok mum?” when I pass you to a “stranger” (your aunty, my friend, etc.). The strength of your eye contact when I’m on the other side of the room – as strong as the minute you were born. The look on your face when tasting new foods, “why are you feeding me lemons mum?” The way you sink your little body into mine when you are tired (one hand on my shoulder, one hand on my necklace, head on my chest). The way you busily study my necklace as if it is a puzzle to be solved. The way your eyes light up when anyone smiles and talks to you. Your fair little eyebrows that lift when I sing a song. Your eyes that scrunch up when your whole face smiles. The chubby rolls on your arms and legs, and how I have to take extra special care to dry your wrists and ankles. You love getting your face washed. You think having a bath is heaven on earth. You love being read to – it’s as if you’re already trying to turn the pages. I love your dozy eyes when I put you to bed at exactly the right time.
I also want to remember the bits that aren’t as fun or magical. There’s no need to censor these memories, as I never want to diminish the realness of motherhood. It simply wouldn’t be as good if it was easy.
I want to remember the way I have to change your entire outfit every time you do number 2’s. The low hum of anxiety in the pit of my stomach when I take you out for the day – are you going to sleep in the car/scream in the car/sleep in the pram/scream in the pram? When you really, really don’t want me to put you down and I still haven’t had breakfast, showered or been to the loo. The time I was in the loo with you screaming on my lap, your brother at my feet also screaming when I was clearly…..occupied. When you are in a “fussy feeding” mood, and my milk is aching to escape or rapidly disappearing. Expressing, expressing, expressing. The times when I put you down for a sleep and I just know you’re going to fight it. Even though sleep is the only thing you need to make everything better.
Last week was a particularly trying week. Normally, you go bed without complaint. But last week you were fussy, tired, and clingy and it took over an hour to settle you for each sleep. There was a milk supply issue, I was expressing, and your big brother wasn’t happy with all the attention you were getting. By Saturday, I was exhausted, but I made it to my yoga class. A new friend from yoga has adult children of her own, and heard my little whinge about having a “tough week”. She said, “Trust me darling, the problems they have now are like honey”. At first it didn’t make sense. Problems and honey. Then I realized she was telling me that little problems with feeding, sleeping, grizzling are just that. Little. As little people become big people, problems can be bigger too. A reminder to enjoy the now. I can’t wait until you wake up and give me that scrunchy-eyed smile.
What do you want to remember about your life at the moment?